How to: Boundary Setting

We all have boundaries, whether we’ve intentionally thought about them or not. Take a moment to reflect – what are things you enjoy engaging in, and what are things that you do not enjoy participating in, or experiencing? The tricky thing about boundaries is that everyone has different boundaries, and someone’s boundaries may change over time.

Imagine your boundaries as pieces of furniture in a living room. You carefully considered all of these pieces of furniture, and have arranged them in your living room in a way that makes you feel happy and comfortable. Over time, you might even decide that a piece of furniture no longer suits you, and you swap it out with something new. Occasionally, you might even rearrange the furniture in your living room temporarily to accommodate friends or family.

Boundaries are a way for us to protect our emotional, mental, and physical well-being, and to support positive relationships with others. Your boundaries can apply to various aspects of your life. You may have boundaries regarding personal space, sexuality, emotions, thoughts, personal belongings, time, energy, relationships and more. Boundaries are incredibly important, and are a form of self-care.

So, how do you actually set a boundary?

1.   Determine Your Boundaries

Before you can actually set boundaries, you need to know what your boundaries are! This is going to require some reflection, and it’s important to be aware that over time you might discover new boundaries based on your experiences. Your boundaries may also change as you move through life, and that’s okay. It’s important to check-in with yourself regularly to help determine if any of your boundaries have changed. Remember, this is an act of loving yourself.

When trying to determine what your boundaries are, there are few things you want to consider:

·       Your emotions. Paying attention to your emotions will provide you with feedback and guidance on areas of your life where boundaries may be beneficial. What situations make you feel uncomfortable? Who do you notice you feel happy and excited to be around vs. anxious or drained?

·       Your thoughts. Your thought process is another way to obtain information on where boundaries are necessary or beneficial. For example, maybe you let someone borrow your laptop, but the entire time you are experiencing thoughts that they might break it, or not return it. That is an indicator that you should perhaps set some boundaries around your laptop and letting other people use it.

·       Your values. Consider your personal values. Having clarity on your values will help build clarity for boundaries. Reflect on what is important to you, and what actions would align with those values. Perhaps it is important to you that you pay off your student loans within 5 years of graduating. Boundaries to support this value could include saying ‘no’ to expensive trips and outings and opting for at-home or free/low-cost outings with friends.

·       Your response. Once you have determined what your boundaries are, you need to determine what your response will be if your boundaries are crossed. Pre-determining your response to a boundary being crossed will be incredibly helpful when the situation does arise. Rather than feeling frozen, anxious and unsure of what to do next, you’ll feel prepared to communicate and address the situation.

When you are determining your boundaries, it is important to remember that these boundaries are for you. You cannot create boundaries for other people. If you want to set boundaries around respecting your time, this boundary might be that if someone is going to be more than 30 minutes late to a planned hang out, you will cancel and reschedule for another day. A boundary about respecting your time can’t be ‘my friends cannot be late to planned hangouts’.

You might find it helpful to practice journalling while you are trying to determine what exactly your boundaries are.

2.   Communicate Your Boundaries

You cannot expect the people in your life to automatically know what your boundaries are, and what a response may be if a boundary is crossed. It is your responsibility to communicate your boundaries with your friends, family, and partner.

When you are communicating boundaries be as clear as possible, and maintain the focus on yourself, not the person you are communicating with. It can be helpful to use ‘I’ statements when you are communicating your boundaries.

Keep the communication simple. You do not need to over explain your boundaries, nor do you have to go into a long-winded explanation to justify yourself. You have the right to determine what you are and are not comfortable with. For example, “I like to plan my days out ahead of time, when plans get changed it impacts other parts of my day. If plans are going to be changed last minute, I won’t be able to attend”.

It might feel scary and nerve wracking in the beginning phase of setting boundaries with your loved ones, that is totally normal and completely okay. If you find yourself feeling anxious when setting a boundary, consider the words of Prentis Hemphill “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”. By setting and upholding boundaries you are demonstrating an act of love towards yourself, and are demonstrating to your friends and family that you trust and care for them enough to communicate your needs and be open and honest.

3.   Follow Through

Once you have set your boundaries, you need to enforce them. From time to time, someone in your life will cross a boundary, either intentionally or unintentionally. It is your responsibility to uphold your boundaries, and following through with whatever response you have determined will be the outcome of a crossed boundary.

Take notice if someone is consistently crossing your boundaries. If you have noticed this pattern, you might want to consider what next steps will be. It can be helpful to have a conversation with this person to share what you have noticed, how it is impacting you and how you want to move forward. In some cases, this might mean creating distance between yourself and the person who is regularly crossing your boundaries.

4.   Respect Others Boundaries

Respecting boundaries is a two-way street. If you expect others to respect your boundaries, you need to demonstrate that same respect back. When someone is communicating a boundary to you, listen carefully to what they are telling you and ask for clarification where needed.

Sometimes, you might identify that boundaries conflict. In these situations, we might need to negotiate and compromise – or move some furniture around. Compromising does not mean that you are sacrificing your boundaries, or are disrespecting yourself, compromise is about finding an alternate solution that works for everyone.

Setting and enforcing boundaries takes work, but it is important work. Having boundaries can help you to prioritize yourself, while also supporting healthy relationships with the people in your life. This process is going to take practice, but the more you work on boundary setting and communication, the easier it will be, and you’ll find yourself feeling better too.