Emotional Intelligence: Building for Success
Emotional intelligence is a tricky concept to understand because it can mean so many different things to different people. To me, emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, control, and regulate my emotions. For someone else, emotional intelligence might be the ability to understand their emotions and how those emotions impact those around them. Both of these are good answers and the important thing to remember is that emotional intelligence is rooted in an awareness and understanding of our emotions, what they mean, and how we show them to the world.
What does it mean to regulate my emotions?
Do you ever get that feeling deep inside you when someone is really frustrating you? The feeling that you are about to explode and can’t seem to take it for another second? Those are intense emotions that can cause harm to those around us if we are not carefully regulating how those emotions come out. If those emotions were unregulated, it might come out as yelling, crying, aggression, violence, or more. These responses are natural and as humans we can’t help to feel them, but what we can do is control how they come out and that is where emotional regulation comes in handy. When we regulate our emotions, an outburst might instead look like walking away when we know we can’t handle the situation any longer, taking a deep breath before expressing your frustration in a calm and professional manner, or using “I” statements to express how you are feeling without assigning blame. All of these strategies are more regulated and calmer than the previously mentioned extreme responses and can thus result in a more positive space that allows for those around you to better understand the emotions you’re feeling and hopefully curb the cause of these emotions.
Why should I care about regulating my emotions?
Regulating your emotions is the number one way to prevent yourself from getting overwhelmed or engaging in behaviours that you might later regret. I find that walking away from a situation is a far better and more acceptable response than yelling, screaming, crying, kicking, punching, etc. Not only does emotional regulation help you maintain your calm during tense moments, but it can also allow you to better understand the emotions of those around you. When you are calm, you can better consider the perspectives of those around you. For example, if I am experiencing a frustrating meeting with my supervisor, I can suspect that my co-workers might also be frustrated which can help inform how I might respond to them both during the meeting and afterwards. If this still hasn’t convinced you why regulating emotions is important, consider the image you give off and how others perceive you. A friend may view someone who gets aggravated or upset easily as sensitive. An employer may be hesitant to promote you if they know you get aggravated easily and the additional responsibilities will bother you. A parent may consider their child unsafe around you if you are yelling at children. All of these little bits and pieces contribute to your image and matter in the long-run. I hope now you can understand the importance of emotional regulation but we now need to explore some techniques to regulate our emotions.
Tips and Tricks for Emotional Regulation
When learning to regulate your emotions, there can be a steep learning curve. To make things a little easier, I’ve included my favourite techniques that I have used to build my emotional intelligence. Take a read through them and give them a try. It might feel awkward or uncomfortable at first but that feeling is naturally with any new activity.
Mindfulness and Breathing
Mindfulness and controlled breathing are probably the two most common emotional regulation techniques. The practice of centering and grounding yourself is a concept that has been around for centuries. Using these techniques, we can actively slow our heart rate, focus on the present, and remind ourselves what we are here for and why.
To practice mindfulness, try closing your eyes, take slow deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on your breathing, the way your chest rises and falls, the way the air feels against your skin, and the sounds you are hearing. While in this state, you may also think about what your goal is here in this moment today. The aim of mindfulness is to be fully present so don’t be hasty with this technique. Take the time to truly embrace what is around you and how it affects you.
Breathing techniques can be used in conjunction with mindfulness, or as a standalone technique. The aim of controlling your breathing is to wrestle those strong and intense emotions back into a more controllable state where you are able to proceed with your day. To practice this technique, inhale through your nose for 4 seconds, then hold your breath for 4 seconds. After holding, release your breath slowly out through your mouth for 4 seconds and then hold your breath for another 4 seconds. Complete these steps for 3-4 minutes or until you feel relaxed and ready to return to action. This 4-4-4-4 technique, commonly known as box breathing, is great for emotional regulation and getting your emotions back under control while also providing you with the time and space needed to reframe your mindset (checkout my other article on resiliency building). Another breathing technique is the 4-7-8 method in which you inhale through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 seconds, repeating the cycle for 3-4 minutes. This method is great for inducing deep relaxation which makes it good for when you are trying to fall asleep or if you find you are experiencing extremely strong emotions and really need to get them under control. Try both and see what works best for you. Some people swear by breathing techniques, and others don’t understand how they would ever work, it all depends on what is best for you!
Reframing
Reframing is more about seeing a situation differently and thinking about the different angles rather than facing the situation head-on and dealing with the emotions separately. When you start to feel emotions rising, instead of letting them take control, consider some of the following questions:
- Is this person or situation trying to upset/anger/frustrate me?
- What am I able to control in this situation?
- Why is this person or situation making me feel this way?
- What can I do to help this situation right now without upsetting/angering/frustrating others?
During these moments, it’s also worth trying to understand the other person’s perspective. Ask why they are saying or doing those things, what they are trying to achieve, and how you can best address the issue without getting emotions involved. Reframing is a good technique if you are able to catch your emotions early before they get too strong. If you have a good sense of when your emotions are growing try this technique and see how it goes. Some people find that leading with curiosity and asking more questions can resolve any strong emotions and sometimes give you answers that make you feel even better than you did before. With that in mind, I would suggest only using this technique if you are already familiar with your emotions. This is a bit more of an advanced technique and does require some practice but as with anything, practice makes perfect!
Identify and Label Emotions
Being able to have the words to describe your emotions is sometimes half the battle when experiencing strong emotions. Once we understand what emotions we are feeling, it makes it much easier to deal with them and find a solution. Checkout this feelings wheel to help name some of the more specific emotions we might feel when we’re not too sure what we are feeling. Starting at the centre, and working your way to the outside, think about exactly how you are feeling. Once you can name that emotion or emotions, consider why you are feeling this way and what you can do to address the issue at hand. Naming our emotions takes all the power out of them and can make us feel in control again!
Take a Break
Sometimes when our emotions get too strong and they’re starting to get the best of us, the best solution is to just walk away. It might not feel great, and some people might not like it, but at the end of the day you know yourself best and walking away is a thousand times better than lashing out or having a breakdown. You can also excuse yourself politely to make it a little less awkward. The important thing about this method is knowing that you can always walk away and exit the situation. One thing worth highlighting is that during your time away, thinking about your emotions and the situation might only make those emotions stronger. This technique is best used in conjunction with another one to achieve the most efficient results. I recommend excusing yourself from the situation, going around the corner or down the hall, and practicing a breathing or mindfulness technique. Sometimes even just taking a lap around the building, parking lot, park, etc. can also be enough to clear your head and re-center yourself so you can return to the situation without the intense emotions.
Acceptance
The last technique worth mentioning is more of a mental practice than a physical action. This technique, known as acceptance, is designed to help individuals accept the situation they are in, understand that things will not change, and seek solutions to move forward with the current circumstances. It’s a bit tricky to understand so as an example, let’s say your boss has introduced a new initiative. They think it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to the business and it’s a perfectly flawless new thing. Perhaps you have put a little more thought into it and think the initiative is nonsense, doesn’t align with the business’ mission or vision, and disadvantages you in a competitive environment. This would likely get some people worked up because they care about their job and the business’ success. Instead of getting angry, frustrated, mad, enraged, irritated, etc. we can instead accept that the boss wants this new initiative, the new initiative won’t be going away, and it’s up to me to continue putting my all into this job. Sometimes it sucks but the one thing we can always control as human beings is our emotions. Instead of focusing on eliminating the problem, acceptance helps us become comfortable with it and accept that we can only control ourselves. At the end of the day, sometimes there’s just no point in getting worked up about something we have no control over.
I hope these techniques prove useful to you at some point as emotional regulation is a key component to emotional intelligence. As you continue to learn and grow throughout your post-secondary journey, it’s important to focus on improving these more subtle skills to improve your future life. Committing to some of these techniques now will only help you out later on in life as you build healthy habits. Take some time to add these techniques to your daily routine and soon you’ll be a pro at understanding, controlling, and regulating your emotions!